"Emily I don't need you, I want you."

So the past couple months have been pretty rough for me and I haven't been able to pinpoint why I've felt so low. Tonight God just rocked my world in a way I haven't felt in a long time. Nancy (my host mom) came home to me in my bedroom crying on the phone with my brother as I tried to figure out why I've felt so low. She sat on the edge of my bed and listened to my cry and vent and throw out every possibility as to why I was going through such inner turmoil. She then had me watch a video on youtube of Mark Hall's Testimony (lead singer of Casting Crowns). Listening to his testimony and speaking with Nancy was as if God had parted the clouds and came down face to face with me to say, "Emily I have got you RIGHT where I want you and I have been carrying you the whole time and I am never going to leave you. I love you, Emily Jane and I choose YOU out of every girl in the world to play a part in MY story."

Several things Mark said in his testimony are below that just rocked my world tonight...
I have felt so inadequate. Like I'm waiting for everyone to find out I'm not cut out for this. I'm not good enough. I'm full of sin. I don't know enough of your Word. I am not good enough for this. I'm just sitting at my desk waiting for someone to come around the corner and say, "Emily we've been talking and we're really not sure what you're doing...you aren't cut out for this." To the point where I've questioned whether or not I need to be in ministry. I'm just waiting for people to find out what REALLY is going on in my heart and see that I'm not sharp enough or intelligent enough. I'm not close enough to God. I'm not praying and when I do it feels empty, even when I dig deep and want it to mean something. I have recognized that I'm not feeling well, but haven't been able to pin-point what has been going on. So in the midst of not being able to figure it out, Satan has grabbed every insecurity, every self-doubt, every fear I have and just thrown them in my face as explanations as to why I am feeling the way I am. I'm not good enough and everyone knows it but hasn't told you yet. So I've been paralyzed in this state of fear and waiting to be "caught". Its been a ROUGH couple of months and a slippery slope since I stepped into ministry of Satan going after me to rip me down. What is interesting about being in the middle of this cloudiness and dark inner turmoil, I still know that God will ALWAYS win. If I choose to walk away from ministry and chase after the things of this world, I know I will come crawling back and God will win. He ALWAYS DOES. Tonight I heard God's voice loud and clear through Mark Hall and Nancy and this is what He said.

God: "Emily if I'd have wanted somebody else, I'd have called somebody else. You get up there you inadequate, ugly, sinful girl and let ME shine through you. You show the world what I can do through somebody that'll let me."

Before we can understand who we are in Jesus, we have to first understand who we are not. And when you realize who we are not, God's love just overloads you. "When I am weak, He is strong." I feel this when I hit rock bottom and I feel God shower me with His love and that is when I truly know and understand what it means for His stength to shine through my weakness.

God says, Emily I've got you and I'm holding you in the palm of my almighty hand. You are my precious child. I WANT YOU. Do you think that all these fears and limitations and things that make you feel so small are worrying me/weighing me down?? I dont need you, I want you. Emily... I am going to do something in the world. I just wanna know if you wanna come?

God I am all in. Your love for me brings me to my knees and tears to my eyes. I LOVE you. Forgive me for questioning and doubting you and what you can do through me. Remind me daily that you are holding me in the palm of your hand and help me never to forget that. But when I do forget, or the clouds come back in, give me strength and patience to hang on and wait on you to give me clarity/peace/freedom like you always end up doing. Just in the exact time that I need you.