If I only had 6 more months to live...

If I only had 6 more months to live...

I write this post with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I think about how I would live if the above phrase were an actual reality in my life. Here is an immediate reaction to what comes to mind after thinking on this for a bit.

I would...

Slow down. Enjoy the time. Soak in it. Go for evening walks. Get up with the sunrise. Have conversations with close friends during the sunsets. Spend more time hiking and resting at the top of the mountain.

Learn to play the piano. Write a song. Or ten. I would write. I love to write. I should find time to write more. I would spend time learning to play the piano.

I would tell my story. My life through college. My rebellion. I would bare all the details and the scars I'm afraid people will see right now so that God could use them to heal others. 5 years later and I'm still hiding my testimony from people. My rescue. HIS rescue. I would shout to the rooftops how much Christ has changed my life and how deeply I've fallen in love with Him through His passionate pursuit of my heart as I sought his face in a last ditch effort to find purpose, peace, significance.

I would apologize to the people who knew me as I went through my personal hell in college as I ignorantly thought that nobody knew. My behavior, my lifestyle, the secrets I kept from the ones I loved the most... the awkward situations I put people in... all of it I would do my best to reconcile. To explain. To share with them that even though my choices were awful and if I could redo my story I would in a heartbeat... it was through that time and in the midst of the darkness that God grabbed a hold of my heart like I've never experienced and rescued me from the darkness and hopelessness I had gotten lost in. Without that experience I do not know if I would truly know the love of Christ or understand just how much I have been forgiven. It was then that for the very first time in my life He became REAL to me. I would share with them the incredible love, forgiveness, and freedom I felt then and live in now. Mostly, I would ask for forgiveness from the people who were around me and knew me during that time.

I would clean house. Get rid of everything in my possession that I don't need. Give it away.

I would stop wasting my time on efforts that go nowhere and focus them more. Relationships specifically. Time is far too precious to spend it in surface level conversations and relationships. I would challenge my youth girls more. Today during our leadership conference, we visited a church out in Chandler and the senior pastor said in all his years of leading the church he has learned that, "if you don't challenge your people, they won't do anything. But, if you do... they will." I believe that to be true and want to put that into practice in my life.

Setup a "quiet place" for myself to get away from the noise and be creative and read. Candles. Low lighting. A big wooden table. A comfy chair. Maybe a couple different lamps and a string of white Christmas lights. Music. My favorite coffee mug. I would spend a lot of time in there seeking the heart of my Creator. I want to know how His heart beats for His people and be aware of how He wants to use me in my time here.

Write a letter to each member of my family and share my heart with them. How much I love them. How thankful I am for them. And how deep my desire for them to experience God in ways He lavished upon me. Not in a holier than though way, but in a way that anyone would do if they discovered something they were madly in love with and passionate about. Like people share a good song with friends when they hear it because it makes them come alive and they want to share that with someone else; because to keep it to themselves would be entirely selfish and joyless.

I would love on my nephew and write him a letter in hopes that one day he would understand the things I put in it.

I would slow down and love on others around me. Give more often.

I want to be around music/concerts more. So maybe I would call up Needtobreath or another singer/songwriter somewhere and ask to sit in on their writing sessions to see how they go about creating music.

I would send that director of the arena downtown my resume and offer to come help work more concerts. I would take her out to lunch and pick her brain.

There is a quote that I stumbled upon shortly after I fell in love with Christ and to this day, 5 years later... it still is one of my absolute favorites. It's a long one... but it articulates what is near and dear to my heart and how I want to live the rest of my life. It goes like this: "When you come to realize that everyone is imperfect, and just as capable as the next person to sin, life instantly becomes clear, and you finally live. So live and enjoy life, cherish the moments when all are living and not pretending. We are all fake at times because we fear people knowing the truth inside us, however the truth is the best part...Consistent living is unattainable without Christ, so let Him shine in your life by taking off the masks you wear and showing yourself with all the imperfections and scars that cover your face. Our hearts are too often bruised by those who refuse to admit their fear of intimacy, and we become a broken and calloused culture. So lose yourself in God, living in such a way that humility defines your heart, and love for the unlovable defines your actions."

Where do all of these thoughts come from? They come from the result of several situations. The nastalgia of Christmas. The thought provoking leadership conference I am currently going through. A deep conviction to not let life slip by. A desire to live without regrets. And the beginning of a brand new year. Went to the FCA Fiesta Bowl Breakfast this last week and the Keynote speaker who was an NFL player said these words: "It's unfortunate that we find out too late what is actually important in life." May this year be different than every other one I've lived. Jesus spent 30 years preparing and 3 years moving. May this be a year of both preparation and movement.

2012: I am excited to meet you. I can't wait to see what you have in store for me and may this year be greater and far more incredible than I could ever dream up or imagine on my own. You want to know what my news years resolution is? To print out the above paragraphs and put each step into action. Let the games begin...

Happy New Year:)

Facebook Fast Withdrawal...

On the morning of September 15th I decided that my addiction to facebook was getting out of control. It was to the point that on my iPhone- as soon as I opened up my home-screen my thumb went immediately/without even thinking/ to my facebook app. It was hours of mindless browsing I spent on this app-- usually leaving me thinking things of insecurity, vanity, discontentment, jealousy, and coveting things of others. Facebook is everyones "highlight real" of their lives. We put on there what we want others to see of ourselves. It's edited and polished-- but life is not that way. So I have become addicted to this edited way of life that has caused my everyday reality to become very discontented. So, I decided to give it up for a month. I am 4 days in and this is what i have realized thus far... the "withdrawal process" if you will...


*I have become SO accustomed to the social networking machine that I THINK in facebook. When I take a picture- I immediately think of a caption that I would use to post it to my profile. It's not even as exciting to take pictures right now because I feel like I can't "Show them off". Mostly everything I do in my day to day life I want to share on facebook.

*When I THINK-- I think in "status updates". I have automatically edited the thoughts in my mind to fit. Just the other day I walked outside and the weather had made a suddeny shift from hot summer nights to cooler fall weather and immediately I wanted to post "welcome fall... how I've missed you..." to my facebook page. But I couldn't. and suddenly i found myself feeling like I couldn't express myself. Crazy- yes!? So crazy.

*I've also realized that without facebook I have no idea what people are doing with their time. I am not only aware of what I'm doing and those I see around me. The "not knowing" is almost enough to drive me crazy every once in a while-- but I've had to teach myself to think differently. It's funny how I automatically assume that if I don't know what people are doing-- they must be doing something ten times cooler than I am doing. Feelings of insecurity begin to creep in and the crazy cycle ensues. Normally i could get back on facebook and either confirm or deny these facts-- I was in fact either doing something cooler than most of my facebook friends... or I wasn't. Now, I just have to accept that what Im doing is what Im doing and what others are doing is... what others are doing. There is no comparison game to take place without facebook.

*I realize that most of the things I do in my day to day life I get excited about because I like to post it to facebook so those around me know what I'm doing. Deep down I get a thrill off of showing others that I'm doing something unique or productive with my time. It's been interesting because now when I do certain things- they aren't as fun/cool because I dont get to show them off. Which begs the question-- do I really even enjoy doing the things I used to or did I just want to show others what I was doing? It's made me have to really check my motives for why I want to do things.

*My dog I grew up with of 11 years passed away 2 days ago and I realized through that process that facebook even serves as a grieving process for me. I wanted to post a picture of him to there with some kind of note to let others know my dog was no longer. Suddenly I found myself in a state where I couldn't share that with my facebook... and in effect would not be able to connect with anyone who may be able to relate to what I was going through and offer any words of encouragement.

*The lightbulb just went off as I was writing about my dog that facebook has become the very first place I turn to in every life situation. When something exciting happens, or something awful happens-- i turn to facebook to share my thoughts. WHY??! I have chosen that outlet instead of going to God immediately with everything that happens in my life. The replacement is ridiculous.

Those are just a few things I've realized in the past 4 days... and I have to be honest... I haven't been completely clean from facebook. There have been 2 distinct moments where the boredom/curiosity has gotten the best of me and I've checked back in to see what was going on. The first time just very quickly-- the second time a bit longer. Each time I have left disappointed that I peaked. Time wasted is not worth it especially when it leaves me feeling negative. I have had to figure out other things to do with my time now that I no longer have facebook to fill in the dead time. This morning- I read a chapter out of Abba's Child by Brennan Manning that totally was what I needed. It filled me up with HIS goodness, and didn't leave me feeling any of the emotions that facebook leaves me with. I'll take that every single day. The rest of these 30 days is going to be a trial but my hope is that I will have replaced that time with other things of productivity-- specifically with more time with God, prayer, and devotionals. We will see where I am at in 30 days.

What's even crazier-- is that even writing this post I wanted to be able to share it with others on facebook... but this time... it is written just for me. Just for my own outlet. My own record of reflection.

The beloved John

I read this morning in the book Abba's Child by Brennan Manning about John- known as the beloved disciple. The one that Jesus loved. In John 13 we read about The Last Supper-- in this scene John is "leaning back against Jesus"... other translations say "he leaned back on Jesus' breast". Manning goes on to explain how huge this is-- that we should not just glance over this key moment. John is leaning back against the Savior of the World-- God in the state of man. He was clearly not intimidated by Jesus... and knew what it meant to be loved completely by him. Jesus allowed John-- but not only allowed- I think it brought him intense joy-- to have John lay on his chest. He had the opportunity to essentially hear the heartbeat of God. He KNEW JESUS on such a deep, intimate level. It makes me think of my personal journey and brings me back to the moment where I could feel God's hand holding me through some of the darkest moments of my life-- I was an ugly, gross person but God scooped me up in the middle of that ugliness. In the midst of that, having nowhere to turn, and finally deciding to start taking the steps in the direction to explore who God said he was... I felt such unconditional love and I remember suddenly thinking that I really "got it" at that moment. Even today in my moments of doubt, questioning, wondering... I think back to that time in my life where He was SO real to me and that is what I still cling to-- I KNEW Him in that moment. I felt him. His character was nothing but LOVE. It made me want to race into His arms-- where as up to that point my sin made me feel ashamed and want to hide from Him.

Manning also continues on and talks about how those who lived with Jesus responded to him when he reappeared after the resurrection. John uses words such like "clung" to him when referencing how Mary of Magdala responded after she recognized that it is Him standing before her. Peter and John RAN to him when they heard the tomb was empty. Peter JUMPED into the water and swam about 100 yards offshore when he heard Jesus was on shore. "These biblical characters, however clean or tawdry their personal histories may have been, are not paralyzed by the past of their present response to Jesus. Tossing aide self-consciousness they RAN, CLUNG, JUMPED, and RACED to Him. Peter denied Him and deserted Him, but he was not afraid of Him." --Manning, p.128. This just shows how Jesus was viewed by those who lived with him. His character is not that of a condemner, but of a savior with "boundless compassion and infinite patience, a Lover who keeps no score of our wrongs." THIS is the Jesus I fell madly in love with. When I realized this was the heart of Jesus... verses like 1 John 4:19 "We love because he first loved us" began to come to life. I am convinced that WHEN people realize the CRAZY amount of Love that is at the center of God's heart-- When they even get a small taste of how much Jesus loves mankind--they will react the same way I found myself 3 years ago-- which was to do nothing but RUN into his arms. Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever"... Peter, John, & Mary of Magdala knew what it meant to be loved in-spite of their sin which caused them to drop everything and run to him... 2,000 sum years later I experienced the exact same feeling as a broken, hurting young girl I began to feel the flood of His unconditional love. GOD. IS. LOVE.

My heart breaks that the world (and I) have a tendency to twist the picture of God and that we far too often error on the side of "accountability" and trying to keep everyone in check that we turn the Gospel into a rigid list of "To Donts" instead of what it really is-- an incredible, incomparable, rescue and love story of a Savior who offers His heart to us-- An unconditional love that NOBODY can claim they don't need and deep down desire at the center of their being. God- help me to never lose sight of this picture of your children racing into your arms and what that reveals about your character. May You transform my mind and my heart into becoming more like Christ so that this is what I become.

One of my absolute favorite hymns is Amazing Grace... because it paints this picture of "The Rescue"... the "Unconditional Love" that is at the center of God's character. The line that cuts to the center of my being every time I hear it is... "How precious did that Grace appear... thee hour I first believed.." Amen.