If I only had 6 more months to live...

If I only had 6 more months to live...

I write this post with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I think about how I would live if the above phrase were an actual reality in my life. Here is an immediate reaction to what comes to mind after thinking on this for a bit.

I would...

Slow down. Enjoy the time. Soak in it. Go for evening walks. Get up with the sunrise. Have conversations with close friends during the sunsets. Spend more time hiking and resting at the top of the mountain.

Learn to play the piano. Write a song. Or ten. I would write. I love to write. I should find time to write more. I would spend time learning to play the piano.

I would tell my story. My life through college. My rebellion. I would bare all the details and the scars I'm afraid people will see right now so that God could use them to heal others. 5 years later and I'm still hiding my testimony from people. My rescue. HIS rescue. I would shout to the rooftops how much Christ has changed my life and how deeply I've fallen in love with Him through His passionate pursuit of my heart as I sought his face in a last ditch effort to find purpose, peace, significance.

I would apologize to the people who knew me as I went through my personal hell in college as I ignorantly thought that nobody knew. My behavior, my lifestyle, the secrets I kept from the ones I loved the most... the awkward situations I put people in... all of it I would do my best to reconcile. To explain. To share with them that even though my choices were awful and if I could redo my story I would in a heartbeat... it was through that time and in the midst of the darkness that God grabbed a hold of my heart like I've never experienced and rescued me from the darkness and hopelessness I had gotten lost in. Without that experience I do not know if I would truly know the love of Christ or understand just how much I have been forgiven. It was then that for the very first time in my life He became REAL to me. I would share with them the incredible love, forgiveness, and freedom I felt then and live in now. Mostly, I would ask for forgiveness from the people who were around me and knew me during that time.

I would clean house. Get rid of everything in my possession that I don't need. Give it away.

I would stop wasting my time on efforts that go nowhere and focus them more. Relationships specifically. Time is far too precious to spend it in surface level conversations and relationships. I would challenge my youth girls more. Today during our leadership conference, we visited a church out in Chandler and the senior pastor said in all his years of leading the church he has learned that, "if you don't challenge your people, they won't do anything. But, if you do... they will." I believe that to be true and want to put that into practice in my life.

Setup a "quiet place" for myself to get away from the noise and be creative and read. Candles. Low lighting. A big wooden table. A comfy chair. Maybe a couple different lamps and a string of white Christmas lights. Music. My favorite coffee mug. I would spend a lot of time in there seeking the heart of my Creator. I want to know how His heart beats for His people and be aware of how He wants to use me in my time here.

Write a letter to each member of my family and share my heart with them. How much I love them. How thankful I am for them. And how deep my desire for them to experience God in ways He lavished upon me. Not in a holier than though way, but in a way that anyone would do if they discovered something they were madly in love with and passionate about. Like people share a good song with friends when they hear it because it makes them come alive and they want to share that with someone else; because to keep it to themselves would be entirely selfish and joyless.

I would love on my nephew and write him a letter in hopes that one day he would understand the things I put in it.

I would slow down and love on others around me. Give more often.

I want to be around music/concerts more. So maybe I would call up Needtobreath or another singer/songwriter somewhere and ask to sit in on their writing sessions to see how they go about creating music.

I would send that director of the arena downtown my resume and offer to come help work more concerts. I would take her out to lunch and pick her brain.

There is a quote that I stumbled upon shortly after I fell in love with Christ and to this day, 5 years later... it still is one of my absolute favorites. It's a long one... but it articulates what is near and dear to my heart and how I want to live the rest of my life. It goes like this: "When you come to realize that everyone is imperfect, and just as capable as the next person to sin, life instantly becomes clear, and you finally live. So live and enjoy life, cherish the moments when all are living and not pretending. We are all fake at times because we fear people knowing the truth inside us, however the truth is the best part...Consistent living is unattainable without Christ, so let Him shine in your life by taking off the masks you wear and showing yourself with all the imperfections and scars that cover your face. Our hearts are too often bruised by those who refuse to admit their fear of intimacy, and we become a broken and calloused culture. So lose yourself in God, living in such a way that humility defines your heart, and love for the unlovable defines your actions."

Where do all of these thoughts come from? They come from the result of several situations. The nastalgia of Christmas. The thought provoking leadership conference I am currently going through. A deep conviction to not let life slip by. A desire to live without regrets. And the beginning of a brand new year. Went to the FCA Fiesta Bowl Breakfast this last week and the Keynote speaker who was an NFL player said these words: "It's unfortunate that we find out too late what is actually important in life." May this year be different than every other one I've lived. Jesus spent 30 years preparing and 3 years moving. May this be a year of both preparation and movement.

2012: I am excited to meet you. I can't wait to see what you have in store for me and may this year be greater and far more incredible than I could ever dream up or imagine on my own. You want to know what my news years resolution is? To print out the above paragraphs and put each step into action. Let the games begin...

Happy New Year:)